change

 it feels like everybody in life is moving forward. they're lifes are changing for better or worse. mine stays the same. different people but essentially the same. I'm graduating in four months and i don't know what i want to do or where i want to go or if i want to grow up or stay young. i want to be loved. and then i push everyone away. its what i do. and i ignore people. and turn horrible. and then i get overwhelming and obsessive. i want a boyfriend. but i don't need one. im fine on my own. although i think id love him. everyone is changing. getting married. or having babies. or getting boyfriends and falling in love. moving on without me. like a line from a song that i relate to. "its been a long year and everyone around me has disappeared". I talk to one of my friends from last year. It seems like everybody realized that life without me is better. and thank you. because i can go on. even though it hurts to see that you can go on without me. i can to. i have the people who love me. like a quote i heard once. "id rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies". isn't that true? Id rather have a few people who really love me for the right reasons than a bunch of people who don't really love me. besides you can buy gumballs with quarters. thanks sweeties. and id rather have that one friend from last year than everyone else. she lights me up. and makes me a better person. and loves me even when i mess up and am rude. because it is no secret that i can be harsh. my tounge has a mind of its own. and maybe one day i'll learn to think before i talk. what should i do with my life? i want to be a mom. and that is all i know. i don't want to get married. i want to be a doctor. a dermatologist. do i want to stay in utah another year? or move to california, texas, or boston? do i want to move to england? learn french and move to Paris? i want change. even though life is comfortable. i want exciting. but i don't want my bestfriend to ever change. ever. because i love her. both of them. one lives here and the other a thousand miles away. thank you. i want change. I don't want to pack and unpack my stuff moving parents every other weekend. and i don't want to spend every tuesday night at piano and carls junior. i want good change. not scary or sad. happy. love. i want to be in love. there i said  it. the girl whos sworn off love wants it. accept change. even though its hard. it makes it okay. every thing is perfect.
{Peace. Love. And Granola Bars}